Restarting and Resetting Your Life
When you have love, hope and faith, no matter how many restarting over, no matter how many times you have fall, you will reach your goal. I will not say its easier, I’m just saying it will makes it do-able.
Starting over is never an easy task. I cant remember when it becaome so hard to do. Remember when you were a kid? The first day you go to school. i believe everyone has different story and experience. For me, the first time i went to a formal school was when i was 5 years old. I went to an elementary school near my house. i don’t remember eactly the first day, i only have several memories of my experience in that school.
But i do remember, not even once I was accompanied by my parents or my elder relative. It was in 1996. Beside my family, my parents and my two brothers who were 9 and 10 years old, my uncle, auntie (mom’s siblings) and cousins also live there.I dont remember exactly how many people live in my house during that time, but it was quite crowded. We only have bedrooms. Master bedroom was for my parents, and the other two was divided into girls and boys room.
I remember every morning i was driven and picked by my uncle to my school, cause my mom have to go to work and so my dad. Several times i went home alone by foot after waiting for someone to pick me up but never came. Untuil the teachers had to go home, then i went home too. The chool was around 2 km away from my house.
I never had the anxious of having the first day. For me, It was like normal day. Its like a task that already been design that you only need to follow the process. I don’t really think too much whether i will make friends or not, or whether the teacher will like me or not, or whether i can catch with the school subject or not. For me it was like an automatic rather than autonomous process.
Every time i experience first day, one thing i believe is there’s always time for everything. Like, there will be time when i will have friends. And usually it comes naturally, either me or the other person that will starts. Or, there will be time when i will get to adapt the rhythm, the do’s and don’ts, and somehow i always managed to be part of the geek group as well as the trouble maker groups.
But now, at the age of thirty something, i finally get to the point where i feel so scared of starting over. You got to the point where you are carrying a lot of expectations on how you will do this or even what will you gain from this. You’re not even started but people around you already expecting things from you.
The first experience of starting over was when i got back to my hometown after 2 years being away escaping the reality by using school as my justification. Those two years was not an ordinary years that i had ever experience. I got severe depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder for several months before i knew what i feel had a name for it. That experience taught me well and at the same time, restarting my life as if i am a newborn child only this time with full knowledge and life experience, which is hard.
The different between me and a newborn child is a baby dont know the meaning of expectations which then translated as obligations and responsibilities. Of course, every child carries that, only they dont know yet. But being an adult that experiencing a reset and restart of their life, that is a very hard thing to do. Its like you are trying to get into a moving wheel when the speed is up and at the same time you are at the edge of a landslide. Jumping to the wheel is the only way out. You have no time to prepare and yet you have to make the big leap.
Life is always been this way. Its just we never realized it because we are always in the wheel. We starts when the wheel was off and the speed goes up along with our speed as if we control that wheel. But its not the same once you are out of the wheel.
This time of year is one of the most difficult time for my family. The political situation, the economy, and personal difficulties are lot more stressful than ever. Though as a family, we once had an experience to be in danger every single second for being an enemy of a dictator government. But it was different, cause the enemy is from outside. These time, the enemy is ourselves. The enemy is the fear and insecurity from within.
My dad, who never have a day off from his work and activities, suddenly has to stop everything starting from December until probably in May. He was diagnosed to have a nasopharyngal cancer and have to follow the medical treatment in Penang for nearly two months starting from January. Not only that, because of the chemo that he went through, he must have a fully rest and suggested not to go out unless it is urgent, to avoid germs and viruses due to the chemo effect. Aside from that, this time of year is very crucial for ur nation’s political. Indonesia will have election in April 2019, and not once he absence from the nation’s contestation of power.
I know that this must be a hard time for him for not being involved directly although he still made a controversial statement regarding to the election, but not to be able physically made him suffer even more than his cancer. And plus, he is over 60 now. Other than that, to return to a world where you have been detached for some time, may need a lot of more adjustment than a newbie. Because of the memories that we had may not or most of the time are not the same anymore with the reality. And that what makes its hard, how to explain to your brain that the world is not the same as the memory that you had.
Being back to the reality is never an easy thing to do. Its not the same like having a first day or being a first timer. Being a first timer will made your attitude like a sponge, absorbing everything. But this time, you were like an old sponge, that no longer absorb well because you are wet already. And the worst is, they expect you to clean as if a new sponge. So you have to work harder than anyone else.
Being back in the game really scares you. Its like an athlete who vacuum from the game for years after the serious injured she had. Once she return to the game, people expect her to play as good as before, or yet, they expect her not to play good as before. Your mind challenge you as a competitor to the other, your head is no longer focusing on how to play the best. You are focusing on how to play. If you play bad, means those who are expecting you to play bad were right. And you can get sucked into that believe which eventually really define you. And if you still play good as before, but the other player has increase their skill which made you still a bad player. Not to mention the fear of being injured that haunt you every time you play. To return is much scarier than starting over.
That’s what i am facing now. After 2 years return to my hometown, i still cant figure out what i am returning for. The game has change. I have changed. The way i see the game is no longer the same. Before i was just like that child who fears nothing. Who believe that there will be time for everything and i will learn as time goes by. Starting is as just as easy to take a step. But now, as if i had a stroke that made me afraid of making any step. Fear of the pain, fear of being fall down.
I guess the big question is not am i ready? Before starting over, what you need to ask to yourself is what am i starting for? What’s the goal? A game always have an end. An end which you always waiting for and a little hope to give you the last energy to survive knowing there is a goal, there will be an end.
When you are starting over your life, especially after you overcome your severe depression, you should ask yourself ‘what am i restarting for? What is new life goal?’restarting means to start over. To start means to have an end, a finish line. You may have found who you are, your character, what you want to be and what you don’t want to be. What kind of contribution you want to add to this world. But before you start, you must know what is the finish line of this start? What is your goal?
My random thought today has deliver me to make this simple scheme of reviewing you life and the meaning of your existence. i never say that life is easy, moreover to start over. But that’s just life is. Life is a cycles that you have to be ready for what ever the circumstances is. One thing that you cant lose from yourself is hope.
Hope will raise from love. Love is not depends on the condition. Love is the positive energy you have. The more positive energy you share, the more you will receive. The more love you received, the bigger hope will be. Never lose love then you’ll never lose hope. Kindness is something from within that needs to be shared to others. Spread love without expecting anything in return, because you’ll never know how you will receive it back. When you have love and hope, therefore you will never lose faith. And faith is the one that keep you going, to reach your life purpose.
When you have love, hope and faith, no matter how many restarting over, no matter how many times you have fall, you will reach your goal. I will not say its easier, i’m just saying it will makes it do-able.